Listen & Be Heard Network Arts News

After last week’s musings on hip-hop and electric cars, a reader named Dale Russell was kind enough to correspond with me regarding my assertion that these cars would need an oil change.  After his original response, I mentioned to him that I should have used “lubrication” instead of “oil change.”  He wrote: “Regarding electric cars: they (just as current gasoline-powered cars) don’t really have any mechanical ‘lube-points’ anymore — the typical parts are sealed and generally designed to last 60-100,000 miles before being replaced.  I have a friend in California who has an electric RAV-4 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toyota_RAV4_EV) with over 70,000 miles and, other than tires and typical ‘wear items’, has done practically no maintenance work on it.”  I gladly stand corrected (thank you, Dale). 

As far as a way to generate jobs and income for Vallejo during The Bankruptcy Era, building electric cars is just one idea.  It would take time and a check with a lot of zeros behind the first number for seed money.  A plant for these cars would take months, maybe years, to get up and running.  I thought about that aspect during the past week and asked myself, “What would people come to Vallejo to see that would generate huge interest and could generate mountains of money?”

I had the answer in five words: Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens.

Since neither is currently playing for a Major League team, why not charge admission to a public willing – maybe even craving – to watch baseball’s best hitter of the contemporary era face his pitching counterpart?  In addition, charge a fee to people willing to field a team.  Clemens is going to need a catcher or Bonds is going to be spending a lot of time retrieving balls at the backstop (like THAT’S ever going to happen).  When Bonds connects with a pitch, Clemens is going to need infielders and outfielders to make a play on the balls that stay in the yard.  Someone will have to run for Barry upon contact (insert your favorite “Bonds never runs or hustles” one-liner here). 

This exhibition could be set up like a baseball game where only Barry hits for nine innings.  All of Major League Baseball’s rules would apply except, of course, for running the bases and for Roger to do anything except pitch.

This exhibition could also feature a different team each inning – each out, for that matter – as long as men or women were willing to pony up the cash and sign a no-liability waiver.

Clemens is going to need some time to recuperate – The Rocket is not exactly a young man these days – so figure on the two of them having this face-off every Saturday for the remainder of the baseball season.  Have it at various local venues: the high school diamonds or football fields, maybe Sears Point, even the Vallejo Little League filed (Roger could pitch from a mound installed near second base, Barry could break some of the neighborhood’s front room windows).  Get ESPN to broadcast this event each week. 

As long as I am in total fantasy mode here, ask pitcher and batter to do it for free.  (Are you finished laughing yet?)  They each have more money than most Third World nations, it would be good public relations for two guys who could really use something positive (don’t…) in their lives right now, and keep a lot of City Council bean counters busy.

This setup would be the baseball equivalent of Dean Benedetti recording only Charlie Parker’s solos at his gigs.  Or maybe not quite as sublime, probably more like baseball porn: something out of its usual context, fueled by fantasy, and kind of creepy.  If nothing else, a good way to work off some bad karma.  And no mechanical “lube-points” involved – right?  Barry?  Rog?