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?ÄúI ain?Äôt no cowboy/I just look like one.?Äù
?Äì Robbie Robertson, ?ÄúBetween Trains?Äù

Dear Britney,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I can?Äôt help it. Every time I go to the store I see your face on the front cover of tabloids and celebrity worship magazines accompanied by a headline that describes your latest transgression. I turn on my television set and find entire programs devoted to paparazzi who follow you in an attempt to get some misguided version of news. You have been the topic of numerous discussions in millions of people?Äôs lives ?Äì no, not ?Äúdiscussions,?Äù more like the bleating of sheep (?ÄúBaaaaaaaaaaaaaad Britney?Äù) ?Äì but now it seems that the primary topic regarding you is whether you are going to survive or perish tragically. The most-favored term used to describe you is ?Äútrain wreck.?Äù

I was thinking about you the other day in relation to the Martin Scorcese movie ?ÄúThe King of Comedy.?Äù Have you ever seen it? It?Äôs a great movie, all about a guy who idolizes a late-night talk show host who is, like you, adored by millions. He kidnaps the host, calls the show?Äôs producer, and promises to release the host if he is allowed to perform a comedy monologue on the show. It?Äôs a movie about celebrity, fantasies regarding celebrity, and what motivates people to pursue some aspect of the lifestyle or the celebrity. You know ?Äì People magazine stuff.

The soundtrack is great, too. Robbie Robertson was the film?Äôs music director. Most of it was used as background to accompany a scene. A soundtrack was released with the complete versions of the ten songs from the film. It sounds like a killer mix tape from the collection of someone who listens to music all day long. It came out in 1983 ?Äì you were two years old back then ?Äì and included songs like ?ÄúBack On The Chain Gang?Äù by The Pretenders, ?ÄúSwamp?Äù by Talking Heads, a great version of ?ÄúAin?Äôt Nobody?Äôs Business If I Do?Äù by B.B. King, Van Morrison singing the end-credits song ?ÄúWonderful Remark?Äù (no, JIM was the one in The Doors) and some instrumental bits by Bob James and David Sanborn. Rickie Lee Jones does a Tom Waits song and Ray Charles does ?ÄúCome Rain or Come Shine.?Äù It?Äôs the kind of music your parents would probably like more than you would. Kids are going to think the same thing about your music in twenty years. Kind of funny, isn?Äôt it?

The King of Comedy

Robertson wrote a song for the movie, too. It was called ?ÄúBetween Trains.?Äù I heard it on the day the album was released. Actually, I heard the chorus first — two guys were singing ?ÄúI’ve got to let it roll/I’ve got to let it ride/I can never show/What’s really going on inside/If I’m too young to learn/Or too old to change/I guess I’ll always be/Between trains.?Äù I recognized one of the singers as Richard Manuel ?Äì he used to be in The Band with Robertson ?Äì and found out later that the synthesizer player was Garth Hudson, another former Band member. Robertson was the lead singer and played guitar on the song. It was written as a tribute to one of Scorcese?Äôs assistants, a man named Cowboy Dan Johnson.

That chorus could?Äôve been written about you. You?Äôre between trains, too, Britney. Two trains heading toward each other. Your story doesn?Äôt have a happy ending if you continue on your current path. You need a new track. Maybe one without music.

There have been enough pointless and tragic deaths to last for eternity. I am writing these words on the day our country celebrates the life and work of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., one of the most pointless and tragic deaths ever. Don?Äôt join him. Get some help. Now. And not Dr. Phil help but private and professional counseling that won?Äôt be reported by media or used to get a higher television ratings share.

Best,

d

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